The hardest decision I’ve ever had to make, was one I didn’t have a choice in.
While there have been many decisions that have set me at crossroads and defined my life, the quickest that comes to mind was closing my flower shop in 2009. When I started my writing journey in 2014, I had been running away from the shame of failure, but in writing personal essays, like the ones you can find in the Soundtrack of my Life series, I realized that every decision I have made has led me right to where I’m meant need to be.
It was a choice in the end I never really had; the economy had dropped so low people had to choose between food and luxuries. No matter how you slice it, flowers, candles and the occasional knick-knack are always going to be in the luxury category. With the increase in online offerings, at the time, it was the beginning of the end for local businesses. I am beyond happy to see are making a resurgence in today’s mindset.
The decision didn’t come easy even though I was strapped for cash and struggling to pay the bills because I had tied so much of my worth into the endeavor. Failing at the business meant that I was a failure, and I fought against the inevitable for over a year, finally closing my doors after I completed my Christmas orders, and before seeing the new year of 2010.
But the decision led me to a new life, a new opportunity to learn and grow. And now, I would argue that I’m doing what I should have been doing all along… writing. Do I miss the shop? Of course I do. And I spent years running away in shame from the person who had to close her business after 10 years of pouring every ounce of heart, soul, and creative energy she had into that amazing, yet simultaneously frustrating place. But now, I look back on those times with a softer heart, and allow myself some grace since I was young and bright-eyed and didn’t know any better. At least I like to think that.
I’ve finally come full circle and am standing toe to toe with the version of myself who tried and didn’t succeed. I’m not yelling, or looking away, or shaking my head anymore. I’m coming at it from almost 20 more years of living and struggling, and I know what that woman in middle-age is going to go through. She doesn’t deserve my disappointment… she doesn’t deserve what is coming for her either. So, I open my arms and embrace her. She’s going to need love, and I’m sending every bit I can offer her. Her dreams can wait… she has time, and everything she does in the next few years will prepare her for the journey she’s on now. My message to her is… “You’ve got this. Now, get out there and follow your heart.” I’m happy to say that she’s way ahead of me.
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congratulations on making the write decision!
Thank you so much! Yes it was the “write” decision for sure! It is hard to know that when you are in the weeds… so glad for the gift of age and introspect. Appreciate you taking the time to read my thoughts!
💕😊