Soundtrack of my Life – Entry 40 – “Rest In Peace” by Dorothy – D.A. Henneman

I’m starting a new project that scares me. There… I’ve said it.

I wasn’t exactly sure why until the other day, after speaking with a writer friend of mine, since I am very excited to write it. Not to mention, I have been thinking about it off and on for several years now and have more books on the topic than I can count lining my shelves. This story even dipped its toe in my life when I was writing my first series by presenting itself as a short story fully formed. That story also took me a long time to face… to get right… to publish. The very same friend helped me with that as well. It seems this friend will be getting a dedication very soon.

For those interested in this particular journey I am embarking on, I will warn you now, I expect it will get dark. And twisted… and perhaps a little weird. But like many things I’ve done in my life it is necessary and something I feel I’m finally ready for.

I’m taking Zilla along for the ride.

It isn’t really a choice if you know her. If you’ve read my stuff, I imagine you nodding your head slowly with a grin on your face, because you know exactly what I’m saying. If you haven’t read my stuff you can pretty much see her influence in everything I write and you can catch up while you are waiting for this next book. Trust me, you will have time since I write at a glacial pace.

Since day one, Zilla has been a blast to write. She is sassy, sexy, and capable. Always stirring the proverbial pot, she seemingly has an agenda but sometimes surprises you with the why. That is definitely the case for me since I’m a pantser who has learned to be a plantser (writing by the seat of my pants with the tiniest bit of plotting). “Plantser” is also an appropriate way to describe my writing style since I’m an ex-florist, have accomplished the Master Gardener certification, and am a farmer when it comes to ideas. I mentally “plant the seed and water it” and work on whatever sprouts.

All that to say, I believe Zilla is the perfect character to channel as I face my fears moving forward. What is dawning on me is perhaps she has been there all along, lurking in the darkness, waiting for the perfect opportunity to come into the light. What scares and intrigues me is just what she is capable of. What cripples me into inaction is the thought that I won’t live up to her expectations.

Fear is a Liar, pay attention to what is holding you back!

This phrase is on my wall… I’m looking at it as I write this. While I’ve had this mantra flitting through my mind for a year, I wasn’t ready to put it into practice. I avoided digging deeper, I was still raw from my recent burnout and too tender to open those old wounds. But what I realized the other day was that it wasn’t necessarily fear of judgement that was holding me back, but more my fear of inadequacy.

I know now that the seed of an idea which sprouted into the short I wrote entitled “Persecution” was Zilla’s story. For as much as I’ve written her, we still don’t know her. I still don’t know her. She influenced practically every scene throughout the Power Of Four series, and managed destiny for the Shifters In New York who are all the better for her meddlings (at least for now), but have we have only ever seen her through someone else’s point of view. That is where the fear lives for me.

The fear I will find out something about Zilla that will cause me to turn my back on her just like everyone else in her life. The fear I won’t be able to do these books, or the topics I will include, the justice they deserve. The fear that Zilla is my alter-ego and has been all along. What if I don’t like or agree with what she is about to do? Or… what if I do?

Time to allow past versions to Rest In Peace

Whatever we’ve done, whoever we’ve been, can always be reborn, revamped, redesigned. We see it time and again in society and the people around us. The 2.0 version often includes the exterior, a new hairstyle, some lost weight, perhaps a make-over. Maybe even a newly achieved certificate, a move to a new city, or the death of an old relationship to make room for a new one, or for yourself. That is where this song comes in for me.

“You can’t hurt me now
Can’t hold me down
What’s done is done
You can’t hurt me now
Can’t hold me down
I’ve had enough…”
Dorothy, “Rest In Peace”

The scars have formed and I’m ready for the next stage… a level up, if you think of it as a gamer. In the game of life we are all trying to beat the level end “bosses,” trying to get past them to unlock the next stage of our purpose. I realized in my musings about this book that everything I have been writing, researching, watching and following, has led me to the 2.0 version of Zilla and her story. Perhaps mine as well. I’ve gotten past levels in my life that have only made me stronger, have reinvented myself in ways that aren’t always visible at a first glance. Unlike some level ups that focused on the outward stuff, mine went inward. That is where Zilla and I live… deep in my mind, behind doors I have yet to unlock.

I’m scared, but ready to face my fear

I know now digging deeper won’t kill me. I let it rise up, recognize it while it tries to slip its hands around my neck and give a little squeeze, then close my eyes and breathe while Zilla kicks the shit out of it. She’s got my back, and she is so ready to tell her story. My fear is that I won’t get it right, that I won’t do it the justice it deserves, but she is no longer letting me use that as an excuse. She knows what she needs to say and I know if I don’t at least try to put it to words, I will never know what I’m capable of. It’s time to level-up, to write the book I was meant to all along. The 2.0 version of Zilla has her knives sharpened as well as her nails… it should be a wild ride. I hope you stick around…

As always, thank you for sharing this journey with me, and for taking the time out of your day to read my thoughts. It means a lot. For anyone interested in my writing please feel free to stay awhile and poke around on my website. I have a ton of content I’ve been developing over the years and I would love to get your thoughts on it.

For my Power of Four series, the best link is: